I was kicked out of massage school today because, based on a few slanderous statements made about my work, and the fact that I flubbed the practical midterm, they don't feel I'm cut out for massage therapy. So that's it. it's over. I guess i'm done with that. Now what? Grad school?
I have to do something.
Brit and I's relationship has been very Rocky lately.
For the first time ever I discussed with a close friend who knows us both very well about whether we should break up. I made a list or good things & bad things about her:
She can be wonderfully supportive and bring out the best in me.
The sex is still pretty good.
She is funny, bright, and interesting.
She's helped me out alot when I've been in a jam.
Her parents love me, and my parents love her.
We've lasted now 8+ months, so that must mean something.
We have a deep level of understanding between us.
She is incredibly controlling and possesive of me and my time.
She flies off the handle at the slightest provocation and is very unstable.
She makes remarks from time to time that I find blatantly racist/classist.
Sometimes she seems incredibly lacking in common sense, and defensive about it.
She goes off on total strangers in public over minor issues.
She goes to counseling, but does'nt ever use the time for anything.
She's a total hypochondriac, to the point of letting it get the best of her.
Yesterday she threw a total shitfit because I wanted to spend time with Matthew this weekend, which would be only the 2nd time in 6 months or so I've made plans w/o her.
She often refuses to take responsibility for her time.
I don't want to leave her, but this is really pushing it.
I haven't updated in a while.
Been a very tense time lately.
Lots of pressure from work, pressure from trying to help Brit with the shit she's been going through, pressure from my family, trying to deal with being responsible and low income at the same time. Brit and I have been going through our 1/8th alot faster then we normally would. She uses it to forget. I use it so I can relax and not go bezerk.
Yesterday, she told me "I don't want to be stuck where I am, but I don't really want to 'grow up', whatever the hell that means." I nodded. She's where I was at around 24-26.. all of it, I've seen it before, I've felt it. Somehow, I learned to cope. She honestly lacks a good set of coping skills. She either responds by shutting down, or lashing out at people. Sometimes at the same time. She rarely gets really angry at me. but ok let's say we're driving down the road and someone is going a bit slow or cuts us off. She'll freak out and swear like a drill instructor at the top of her lungs. Or she'll suddenly lose it trying to get through a sea of people and shout "Move, Goddamnit!" which really embarasses me (and I let her know that I won't accept her doing that anymore). I accept alot of this because I need her, and she yes she needs me. As my grandmother would say, "Relationships are about compromise." I know that buried under the mess is a very strong, very smart, very capable, very loving, very awesome woman.
Still planning on going to AZ when this is all over with. I feel like I'll gain alot of clarity and put some spark back into my lifer by getting away for a while out in a beautiful place. Call me an earthy-hippie but I take my strength & hope from nature.
I saw a bumpersticker the other day that said "RESIST DESPAIR". Indeed.
Still no resolution as to whether we are moving in together this summer. I have some mixed feelings still about it. I don't want my family to throw a shitfit over it as I'm "cohabitating" but at the same time fuck what they think-I'm an adult, and I no longer buy into Christianity so it's not like I'm afraid of burning in Hell and shit.
I know the fact they won't directly answer the question is supposed to be read as NO.
Haven't been sleeping all that great either, but when you wake up at 6AM to work from 8AM till 4:30PM at a job that's not really all that fun and where you are constantly under surveillance and evaluation, it does tend to leave one's equilibrium lopsided.
But it's allright for now.
Thu, Feb. 22nd, 2007, 09:21 pm
Push and Pull
Haven't updated this one in a while.
Brit and I's relationship has recovered from the previously mentioned mess.
We both have our little problems to be sure, but we're doing better.
The sex is back to where it was, and the communication has improved.
Like I asked her to, she is getting counseling for her severe anxiety, and although I have some misgivings about the SEU Psych Services, I think it's helping her. It's still early, though. But she's got to do something about it-it cripples her, and that she's finally willing to admit it is a giant leap forward. I know she has legitimate things to worry about-her hydrocephalus issues and the shunt (she's been having possible symptoms of shunt failure-weird headaches, really bad nausea and stomach pains-and needs to see a neuro soon)but it should'nt rule her life. And hopefully when she gets everything sorted out, she'll move past this. She's strong. I know things will improve.
I've been out of meds for a week now-it's rough, but i'm going to get them this weekend hopefully. To compensate, i've been smoking a good amount of pot. Which is nice and helps, but isn't really the same as the Neurontin. The Skunk we've been smoking lately makes me rather spaced, so I can't do too much on it if I smoke a normal sized bowl. I also want to get a bong at some point, as it would be a nicer smoke then from a small, hot glass piece. I might get one this weekend for $40.
I'm surviving allright..more later.
I was afraid it would happen. I am a rageaholic. I am addicted to anger to numb the pain and fear of living with alot of uncertainty, alot of unresolved emotional wounds, alot of fucked up shit I've been through. I told her I would never hurt her. I worked really, really really hard to keep a lid on my anger, to channel it away from ever harming someone that I love.
And then, on Saturday, I lost it. I snapped. I screamed and yelled and she was in the way and faced the brunt of my non-rational, bezerker rage. And I said some crazy, ugly, ridiculous and unacceptable things. She cried, and yelled, and screamed back at me. I apologized. Then both of us silent, we went back to my apartment. We talked. There was alot of of talking and alotof hurting. I asked her if this was it. If she was going to walk out on me. She had every reason to. She was silent for several minutes. "No." She answered, finally. "But if you ever, I mean EVER hurt me like that again, it's done. It's OVER." I cried. I told her how shitty I felt at having done that. Because I wasn't angry at her. I could'nt be. I love her so much..
We talked some more. The nest day, we had makeup sex. But this time it wasn't awkward and hard
and forceful. It was perfect sex. It was a complete peace offering of bodies to eachother,and
afterwards, staring at eachother, we realized that it was okay. That despite my failings and the troubles of the past six months, we have it so good. We need eachother. I need her love, her support, her stubborn strength. She needs me. She needs my love, my support, my arms in hers. And our love endures. We are fucking strong as hell..the bond between us is almost like a form or magnetism. Opposites attract. It's hard to explain the dynamics of our relationship but we have such a profound connection. The openness, the honesty, the commitment we have to eachother. I realize more than ever how lucky I am to have Brit in my life. She's incredible.
And i'm never going to hurt her like that again.
I'm coming off of a weeklong manic episode. Like, REALLY manic. Monday night Brit slept over. We were both sick, but I was super manic. Just electric with energy, in a way that made Brit a bit scared. And I was insatiably horny, I wanted sex. So I begged, and cajoled, and we had awkward, rather rough sex, totally unlike our usual gentle, sensual sex. And I was not myself.
I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd raped my girlfriend. Even though when I asked her
she said it was weird but not painful, and said I was overreacting just slightly, but that my being so wild like that frightened her. And to be honest, it frightened me. We talked about it
and agreed that we need to establish some serious boundaries and off limits activities for if or when I'm manic. I don't ever want to get in that situation again. So I am going to start taking the Gabapentin twice a day I think, to keep a damper on the mania and anxiety that it's
often fed by. Till last night I was still manic, though less severely so. I could feel it in my body, that energy, but it had become more irritable, less fun than it seemed earlier on.
I need to be carefull. I'm strong, but I'm vulnerable.
I don't want this thing to hurt someone I love. It's hurt me enough.
Tue, Dec. 26th, 2006, 04:51 pm
Renunciation does not have to be regarded as negative. I was taught that it has to do with letting go of holding back. What one is renouncing is closing down and shutting off from life. You could say that renunciation is the same thing as opening to the teachings of the present moment....
Renunciation is realizing that our nostalgia for wanting to stay in a protected, limited, petty world is insane. Once you begin to get the feeling of how big the world is and how vast our potential for experiencing life is, then you really begin to understand renunciation. When we sit in meditation, we feel our breath as it goes out, and we have some sense of willingness just to be open to the present moment. Then our minds wander off into all kinds of stories and fabrications and manufactured realities, and we say to ourselves, "It's thinking." We say that with a lot of gentleness and a lot of precision. Every time we are willing to let the story line go, and every time we are willing to let go at the end of the outbreath, thats fundamental renunciation: learning how to let go of holding on and holding back.
-Pema Chodron, Tricycle, The Buddhist Review, Vol. I, #1
Tue, Dec. 12th, 2006, 04:25 am
Things I'd Like To Do Once I'm Out Of School:
1. Go to Arizona in the Spring with Brit. This is one of those things I've been meaning to do for a while. I have calculated driving time, gas money costs, route, and when to go (May, ideally)so I can't see why I could'nt do this. Some of you might remember that last May I hiked the Grand Canyon
for the first time in my life (although I have been there twice before). It was an empowering, fun,
amazing experience and I totally want Brit to have her Breath taken away like I am every time I am there. I also want to go to Sedona, and maybe have lunch with some old family friends-the ones who live in Prescott. I feel that Arizona is calling to me, and I feel like it will be a healing force in my life to go there and just be with nature for a while. Plus, I have proper camping stuff now.
2. Heal my mind and body. Why? Because neither is in good shape. I have been sleeping way to little
and eating poorly and putting way too much strain on my body by being in school. I'm now overweight
by at least 10 lbs, and I can tell when I look at myself in the mirror. My sex drive is waaay below
what it was before I was in school, and my energy levels in general have been low too. So I intend to start detoxing my body, trying to go at least 50% raw, start walking or jogging regularly enough
to burn fat, and start doing zazen and kinhin (walking zazen basically)and maybe picking up tai chi
to help balance out my energy flow and reduce tension. I want to look, feel and function better.
3. Get back in touch with my friends. I've had to push alot of people away or forgo hanging out at all because of the combined demands of work and school. This includes Pete, Polaris, Isabella, and a few other folks. I want to hang out with them when I'm NOT at a psytrance party, although I am in
a good place with many people in the scene and do love it dearly. They're awesome people, and it's time we got to hang outside of parties. I need a life outside of working and being with Brit 24/7.
4. Get a better job. Sure ACS is nice, and they pay me well, but the work is mindnumbing, has not a thing to do with my intended career path, and it's only part time. I don't necessarily need to start working in Education (after all, I'm gonna go through the cert program in the fall anyways)but I want a fulltime job I don't dread going to everyday, where I can interact with actual people.
5. DJ more. Yeah, and learn to spin psytrance and stuff with beats. I need to get off the laptop so I can spin cd's and have more versatility with my music. That said, I think I will do a mix to welcome in the new year..another floaty chill mix with some tunes I haven't played before. If this comes to pass, I will put it online for everyone to enjoy, as I have previous mixes that I've done.
I'm hanging in here.
Been a very frustrating week.
Monday night I suffered a severe migraine which nearly sent me to the hospital. I have never had a migraine before. I was so scared I called Brit and asked her to come stay with me in case something bad should happen. She brought me four Advil. After about 4 hours of the worst headache I have ever had I finally got some sleep until 7AM when I called in sick to work, got up, finished a paper that I had due, and went to the health center to get checked out. They offered to write me a script for some Vicodin. I told them I did'nt need addictive pain medicine. I went and got some Excedrin instead.
Took my Logic final yesterday. Too early to say if I made a C, but my father said he prayed about it and had a "feeling of peace" that it would turn out okay. Whatever that means.. Lions and Tigers and Psychic Episcopal Priests OH MY! I have a small crisis with my Victorian Lit final, in that I cannot take it on Tuesday, as I work and they won't let me off, and I cannot take it on Monday as we kinda had planned originally, as my prof won't have the exam ready. So that leaves Wednesday I guess, or I can do it Friday? Arrrrrgh. On top of that I am finishing my huge paper for Senior Seminar, which is about Flannery O'Connor and redemptive violence. I have about 7.5 pages, I need to have 20, counting the bibliography.So I need 13 more pages. My intension is to finish it up this weekend and hand it in on monday. That way I have everything else out of the way and can focus and marathon write until it's done. I know what I want to say for the most part, and so I will add more critical commentary and analyze more stories to fill in length. And when it is done, I will cry in ecstatic joy.
Been trying to stay sane..mostly out of my meds, but have been smoking pot in the afternoons with Brit at our spot in the woods, which has helped alot..it takes her stress away, it gives me energy
and calms my nerves, so it is really usefull for focusing. That said, I am not taking my finals in a green haze. If only medical cannabis was legal here in TX, because I think it does me good.. Not
that I advocate getting stoned every day either.
Apartment hunting is still going bad..as soon as something comes up, it's already off the Market. I have found one place so far, in Matthew's complex, but it's $643, more than I can afford.My father,
in his goodness, has said he'll help me with rent and I can look for cheaper places in summer when a 6 month lease runs out. I hate having him bail me out like this but times are tough down here so I don't have much choice. I am tired of having to ask anyone to help me. I'm a 27 year old man and I should fucking be able to take care of my shit. What the fuck. Anyways, I'm still looking for a few other possibilities. I really want to live at the Sasona Coop.
Dad is going to be here Tuesday night..I am looking forward to seeing him and the rest of the family again, and having them watch me graduate. I'm also a bit nervous because being with my family has always been awkward after I've been gone for a while. But I need to see them and I totally want them to see me walk next Saturday. It's all just kinda unreal to me right now.