I've been thinking alot today about what the primary forces are in my life right now.
I think one of the biggest is fear.
And it's equally weird what I'm afraid of, too. I am not all that afraid of death or old age. I am not afraid of the dark. I am not afraid of walking alone in places I haven't been before. I am not afraid of my bipolar. I'm not even afraid of my nightmares really, as intense as some of them get. No, that stuff does'nt do it for me. I'm afraid of much more down to earth things: the future, my plans, stability, reponsibility, trying to survive this rat race- when you can't get of the wheel.
When I was little, I thought fear was a disease, something you catch, like a cold. For a time when I was 6 years old, I would hold my breath when hurt, to try to keep from catching it. This meant I would pass out. When I came too, the fear would have assumed I was dead and left me alone. This in time began to freak out my parents, but eventually I grew out of it. Now, as an adult, at 27, as I look at having to try and figure out the rest of my life after all the false starts, I find myself holding my breath again, trying to push away the fear, to keep it from touching me, from hurting me
again. It taunts me, tugs at me, shadows me every day. There's one big fear that I'm fighting now:
I've been there..so many times. I've flunked out of college twice..this is my third try. I've lost a number of jobs in my lifetime also. Relationships. Friendships. All because of things I've failed
to due, or because things themselves just did'nt work. I am at the point where I can no longer fail
and expect anyone to help me-i'm on my own. If I fail out in the real world, i'm fucked. Nobody can
or will help me. It is this fear that has so far kept me afloat this semester-at a very high price.
I have spent much of this period teetering on the edge of either failure, mental breakdown, giving up and dropping out, or a combination of any of the above. I get notes on my papers which read like
this "Seth, you are a brilliant thinker, and analyze very well, however, I can't understand why it always seems your work is so inconsistent." I hate that. I nearly go crazy in order to push myself into that zone where I work my magic. And people seem to think I can always do that, and I fucking CAN'T. And I don't want to. I never set out to be the teacher's pet, to be an academic, to play the
whole charade. And yet people have boxed me into that role. That's not who I am, and I wish that it
would stop, that I could write everyone in my life a big resignation letter: I Seth Osmun, formally
resign from my position as demented genius, effective immediately. I can't be who everyone wants me
to be. I can't be the good son, preacher's kid, the boy genius, witty verbal swordsman. No more.
I just want to be allowed the right to be fallible. I want to be able to allow myself to be myself.
Because if there's one thing I've never failed at, it's existing..and surviving.
I want to do things because I love my life, not because I'm afraid of wasting it.
Mon, Nov. 13th, 2006, 04:21 am
I don't think anything could be more unhealthy then being a 27 year old man trying to finish his degree after fucking up twice. During this whole process I have probably done more crazy shit and had more bad stuff happen to me then would happen if I weren't still in school. So-I have, in all, gone through one nervous breakdown and narrowly avoided another, watched my hair go gray before it ever should (mind you, it's still mostly very dark brown, but there are now grey hairs mixed in to it all), faked illness because I could'nt deal with getting out of bed, thrown a temper tantrum or two out of frustration, considered dropping out, and jumped up to a startling (for me)189 lbs.
My coping mechanisms are sleep, sex (when I have the energy for it)and pot. The sleep allows me to dream, and in my dreams, I'm free. The sex is fun but Brit has much more of a sex drive then I do, which is probably due to my being stressed and tired alot, and maybe side effects from the meds or something...I don't know. The pot does'nt get me stoned so much as high, and it helps me focus, be balanced for once, and relax. It's like my meds, only without the annoying side effects. I started smoking pot when I moved back here in 2005, and even then off and on when offered. Brit smokes too
and we often buy and smoke together. I am not a pothead though, and I don't smoke heavily, just if I have time and we both feel like it. I don't drive when I'm high or go to class/work stoned. I've been carefull not to drink when i'm upset, as I used to drink to try to make the mania go away when
it only made me drunk and manic (this was earlier on, before I really knew how my bipolar worked).
And i'm scared shitless. I hide it well, but I am. I'm scared about my future. I'm scared that I'll fail to pass my fucking Logic class, won't graduate, and then what? Then I'm fucked. I've already wasted 8 years of my life to trying to finally get it right..this is my last chance. I don't have any more money, and the money I do have is borrowed from the feds. Who, by the way, really want their money back, and I have to pay them regardless come the end of this semester.
I mm worried that I won't get a job while I take time off, and the one I have is mindnumbingly dull, can't give me full time, and does'nt offer me any benefits. I'm worried about being ready finally to handle myself on my own-I'm pretty strong, but i'm good at fucking things up as well.
I'm having worries about my relationship with Brit as well. She's good to me, and I'm good to her, but we have our issues. Recently she revealed to me that she's been having symptoms of OCD, and to add to that, she is very emotionally fragile and inward, so if there is something that's going on for her, you'll have to pry to find out. She does'nt want to see anyone at Psych Services about it (and I understand-they're idiots and really unhelpful in my experience), and the only way that she could see an outside person would be if her parents paid-which would mean telling them-which she's terrified of doing. I think she's been pushed into the role of over-achieving perfect daughter by her well-meaning but somewhat of a control freak mother (her Dad maybe.. but he seems to give her breathing room and is a pretty openminded guy from my experience)and so she CAN'T feel anything at all that would indicate being weak or vulnerable or "bad" (she sees things in a very black & white sort of way-she likes to put everything in little boxes of "good" "bad" "wrong" and so forth)as it would mean she's fallible. Add to that Catholic upbringing, a difficult childhood (due to her many problems from the hydrocephalus and having to get a shunt and all that.)And there are the questions
of age and maturity. She's on the verge of turning 20 now, and the 7 year age difference does mean something. She's very smart about some things, and yet really naive about other stuff. There seems to be a tension between a confident, grown woman and a clumsy, foolish awkward girl working itself
out. Sometimes I feel like I have to drag her with me into the adult world, into growing up, and I don't want to play that role. I can't be her lover and a secondary father figure-that dynamic's one
I don't want to play out. When I first met her I found her deeply attractive, but- I worried about the gap in age between us. I went through a period of denial until I realized that I was falling in
love with her, and so I told myself it did'nt matter, that age was just a number and people get too fixated on it. I'd like to think that I was right. But it is something I worry about...alot.
The things I love about her are many: She's funny, smart, loyal and playful. She's stood by me in all sorts of circumstances, and forgiven my ups and downs, my losing my temper, the arguments that we've had. She lets me borrow her car, helps me out financially sometimes, listens to me when I am in need of ranting to someone, and supports me as best she can. She is better than any of the other
failed relationships I've been in-infinitely better. She's one of the best people I've ever met. I just don't know where we are headed. Matthew once said "You may really be her first, but she might not be your last." And it's possible. I'm hard pressed to see myself leaving her. We were friends, now lovers. Could we return to being friends after? I don't know. Maybe I'm not what she needs for the long term, but what she needs now. Maybe she isn't what I need in the long term, but what I am in need of at this point in my life. I don't know how I'd live with myself if our relationship now changed, if we "broke up". I could handle it maybe, but I'd feel terrible about myself. And I don't
know how she'd handle it, if she would'nt just break down and do something reckless with her life.
There's just alot of things unknown right now..and it's uncomfortable.
Fri, Nov. 10th, 2006, 03:06 am
Sorry, but I felt this needed to be done.
Glad you've made it.
Yes, this is moonwrangler, in uncensored format.
This is an experiment in REALLY getting it all out of my system..
Stuff I don't talk about in my other LJ (and often can't)goes here.