Been a very tense time lately.
Lots of pressure from work, pressure from trying to help Brit with the shit she's been going through, pressure from my family, trying to deal with being responsible and low income at the same time. Brit and I have been going through our 1/8th alot faster then we normally would. She uses it to forget. I use it so I can relax and not go bezerk.
Yesterday, she told me "I don't want to be stuck where I am, but I don't really want to 'grow up', whatever the hell that means." I nodded. She's where I was at around 24-26.. all of it, I've seen it before, I've felt it. Somehow, I learned to cope. She honestly lacks a good set of coping skills. She either responds by shutting down, or lashing out at people. Sometimes at the same time. She rarely gets really angry at me. but ok let's say we're driving down the road and someone is going a bit slow or cuts us off. She'll freak out and swear like a drill instructor at the top of her lungs. Or she'll suddenly lose it trying to get through a sea of people and shout "Move, Goddamnit!" which really embarasses me (and I let her know that I won't accept her doing that anymore). I accept alot of this because I need her, and she yes she needs me. As my grandmother would say, "Relationships are about compromise." I know that buried under the mess is a very strong, very smart, very capable, very loving, very awesome woman.
Still planning on going to AZ when this is all over with. I feel like I'll gain alot of clarity and put some spark back into my lifer by getting away for a while out in a beautiful place. Call me an earthy-hippie but I take my strength & hope from nature.
I saw a bumpersticker the other day that said "RESIST DESPAIR". Indeed.
Still no resolution as to whether we are moving in together this summer. I have some mixed feelings still about it. I don't want my family to throw a shitfit over it as I'm "cohabitating" but at the same time fuck what they think-I'm an adult, and I no longer buy into Christianity so it's not like I'm afraid of burning in Hell and shit. I know the fact they won't directly answer the question is supposed to be read as NO.
Haven't been sleeping all that great either, but when you wake up at 6AM to work from 8AM till 4:30PM at a job that's not really all that fun and where you are constantly under surveillance and evaluation, it does tend to leave one's equilibrium lopsided.
But it's allright for now.