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Mon, Jan. 15th, 2007, 05:10 pm
When The Bough Breaks...

It happened.

I was afraid it would happen. I am a rageaholic. I am addicted to anger to numb the pain and fear of living with alot of uncertainty, alot of unresolved emotional wounds, alot of fucked up shit I've been through. I told her I would never hurt her. I worked really, really really hard to keep a lid on my anger, to channel it away from ever harming someone that I love.

And then, on Saturday, I lost it. I snapped. I screamed and yelled and she was in the way and faced the brunt of my non-rational, bezerker rage. And I said some crazy, ugly, ridiculous and unacceptable things. She cried, and yelled, and screamed back at me. I apologized. Then both of us silent, we went back to my apartment. We talked. There was alot of of talking and alotof hurting. I asked her if this was it. If she was going to walk out on me. She had every reason to. She was silent for several minutes. "No." She answered, finally. "But if you ever, I mean EVER hurt me like that again, it's done. It's OVER." I cried. I told her how shitty I felt at having done that. Because I wasn't angry at her. I could'nt be. I love her so much..

We talked some more. The nest day, we had makeup sex. But this time it wasn't awkward and hard and forceful. It was perfect sex. It was a complete peace offering of bodies to eachother,and afterwards, staring at eachother, we realized that it was okay. That despite my failings and the troubles of the past six months, we have it so good. We need eachother. I need her love, her support, her stubborn strength. She needs me. She needs my love, my support, my arms in hers. And our love endures. We are fucking strong as hell..the bond between us is almost like a form or magnetism. Opposites attract. It's hard to explain the dynamics of our relationship but we have such a profound connection. The openness, the honesty, the commitment we have to eachother. I realize more than ever how lucky I am to have Brit in my life. She's incredible.

And i'm never going to hurt her like that again.

Tue, Jan. 16th, 2007 02:27 am (UTC)

Never say never. I said never a lot. The key is finding the source of all the rage and getting a lid on it.

At least it is for me. That's what's worked so far - finding every negative thought in my mind and neutralizing it, channeling it into something positive, or questioning it to death. It's not so much a fight as a discipline - an act of intense concentration.

Wed, Jan. 17th, 2007 10:22 pm (UTC)

Yeah, well said.