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Fri, Jan. 12th, 2007, 01:32 pm
He's A Maniac, That's For Sure

I'm coming off of a weeklong manic episode. Like, REALLY manic. Monday night Brit slept over. We were both sick, but I was super manic. Just electric with energy, in a way that made Brit a bit scared. And I was insatiably horny, I wanted sex. So I begged, and cajoled, and we had awkward, rather rough sex, totally unlike our usual gentle, sensual sex. And I was not myself. I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd raped my girlfriend. Even though when I asked her she said it was weird but not painful, and said I was overreacting just slightly, but that my being so wild like that frightened her. And to be honest, it frightened me. We talked about it and agreed that we need to establish some serious boundaries and off limits activities for if or when I'm manic. I don't ever want to get in that situation again. So I am going to start taking the Gabapentin twice a day I think, to keep a damper on the mania and anxiety that it's often fed by. Till last night I was still manic, though less severely so. I could feel it in my body, that energy, but it had become more irritable, less fun than it seemed earlier on.

I need to be carefull. I'm strong, but I'm vulnerable.

I don't want this thing to hurt someone I love. It's hurt me enough.